Chris Kouwenhoven

The Top 12 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You

12. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

11. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

10. He actually *does* have your tongue.

09. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

08. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

07. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

06. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

05. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

04. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

03. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

02. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

01. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

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